Gsus luvz u, say church leaders

Bill Bowtime, The Daily Trudgeon

Christianity needs to re-vamp itself and make it more modern to compete “wit teh hordz of izlam lol”, according to a recent text message sent to many church-goers.

Among other things, the selfy-styled “txt mssg” calls for churches, whether Protestant, Catholic or Orthodox, to talk in hip modern terms such as “lol” and “noob”. The Bible shall be re-interpreted this way. For example, one of the new messages is “gsus wil poon infidle noobz”. It also says that churches should offer “Intense Gaming Action” for anyone bored by the sermons but who still want to attend church “coz its cul n stuf”. From now on Jesus shall be referred to as “Gsus” and the Lord can be named “Gud”.

This has been met with some controversy by Christians, especially amongst the dead Christian community. “This is quite clearly a problem,” King Richard the Lionheart’s ghost was heard saying. “If someone doesn’t like Christianity, screw them. We’ll just chuck ‘em out and build an empire! Let us crush the Muslim infidels!”

Many people have offered alternative ways for Christianity to attract new converts. For example, Morris Morrison from Boston says that the faith should “paganise up” to please customers. “We could have pagan-style orgies,” he told The Daily Trudgeon yesterday. “Priests could have sex with young members of the church, too. Like what a lot of Catholic priests have been doing lately, except they’d be over eight years old and female. Oh yeah, and we should totally sacrifice infidels and captured slaves to God! That’d be totally bitching. I hope President Bush gets to work on that in Iraq.”

Several critics of the recent “txt mssg” proposal were beaten to death with sticks by furious drug-addled teenagers yesterday. A few people died, but no-one really cares.

Remember: Gsus luvz u al. Amn.