Warcraft: A Tale of Two Species
ELF: Oh God… Oh God…
He is in the middle of a bloodbath. Well, sort of. Okay, so there’s only two people there. You sicko. Two people is still a bloodbath. You just think that a bloodbath has to be a thousand people or something because you’ve played too many video games. Anyway.
ELF: My friends… they’re all… all…
Out of the forest a dwarf shows up.
DWARF: Hey dude.
ELF: Oh. Hey.
The dwarf surveys the scene, noticing the fact that there is a bloodbath FINE TWO DEAD PEOPLE.
DWARF: Whoa, what happened here?
ELF: Uh… we were playing marbles.
DWARF: But they’re dead!
ELF: It was a really intense game of marbles.
DWARF: And why aren’t there any marbles here?!
ELF: They… melted.
DWARF: …
ELF: Look, I already said it was a really intense game, okay?
DWARF: Fine. Be that way. I still don’t believe you.
ELF: Look, I was going in for a big shot with a marble and it got loose. And ripped through their necks. And then hacked off their hands and feet. Then tore out their hearts. Then stole their wallets.
DWARF: Right. Well, you can’t trust men, I always say.
ELF: … Huh? You’re not a guy?
DWARF: … Er, no. I’m a girl.
ELF: Uh, how do you tell the difference?
DWARF: Sorry?
ELF: Well, you lot all look the same.
DWARF: … Excuse me?
ELF: All dwarves look the same.
DWARF: WE DO NOT!
ELF: How so?
DWARF: For a start, I’m wearing lipstick! And mascara!
ELF: I just figured you were gay.
DWARF: Ugh. You men are all the same.
ELF: Okay, you’re definitely a chick. … Wanna have sex?
DWARF: What?!
ELF: Sorry, I couldn’t think of a good pick-up line.
DWARF: Get the hell away from me, you slimy creep!
ELF: … Is that a no?
DWARF: UGH!
ELF: Wait, dwarf chicks can reproduce right?
The dwarf stares at him.
ELF: Well I saw this movie where dwarves are made by factories. Factories with robots.
DWARF: … That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
ELF: Fine, be that way. You were probably programmed wrong or something.
DWARF: DWARVES AREN’T MADE BY ROBOTS!!
ELF: Is it possible for dwarf chicks to get PMS? What with you being horrible genderless freaks of nature-
DWARF: I. Hate. You.
The dwarf runs off. ELF is left there scratching his head. Suddenly he hears a low growl behind him. He sees an OGRE!
ELF: Oh, hey- OH GOD IT’S YOU
Meanwhile
DWARF: Lousy… Stupid…
PEASANT: HEYHOW’SITGOING
DWARF: Uh… hey.
PEASANT: MYNAME’SSIMONWHAT’SYOURNAME
DWARF: Uh…
PEASANT: WHOALOOKTHERE’SABIRDONTHATTREEAWESOMEDUDE
DWARF: Yeah…
PEASANT: WAITDIDYOUCOMEFROMTHATDIRECTION???!!!!
DWARF: Um…
PEASANT: YOUMUSTBEPRETTYBRAVEESCAPINGFROMTHEOGRE
DWARF: … Ogre?
PEASANT: THEONEWHOLIVESOVERTHEREHE’SABADASSOGRE
DWARF: Wait, there’s an Ogre over there?!
PEASANT: YEAHHE’SREALLYBADASSHEKILLEDTWOMEN
DWARF: Oh god… I left ELF there!
PEASANT: ITHOUGHTYOUFOUNDHIMINSENSITIVEANDIMMATURE
DWARF: I do. But… deep down… I love him!
PEASANT: OHGODWHATATWIST!!!!
DWARF: Yeah. And now I have to rescue him.
Meanwhile
ELF: It was you! You killed my friends! How can you even look at yourself in the morning?!
OGRE: Urg.
ELF: But… why? WHY?!
OGRE: Urg.
ELF: Wait… of couse… the man in black… the Jade Monkey Jewel… it all makes sense now…
OGRE: Urg?
ELF: You killed them so you could harness the power of the Jade Monkey Jewel. You were the man in black all along. I should have known!
OGRE: Urg.
The OGRE reaches forward to kill ELF.
ELF: Wait, no! Stop! For the love of God, don’t-
DWARF: I SHALL SAVE YOU
ELF: … okay then
DWARF: You see, I know the Ogre’s weakness.
OGRE: … Urg?
DWARF: Guns!
The dwarf whips out an AK-47 and pumps the son of a bitch OGRE with more holes than a lump of Swiss cheese. Meanwhile, I’ll think you enjoyed the oddball indepent music we played in the background. It’s pretty underground. At least, it will be til Scrubs uses it.
ELF: Whoa! You’re the ma- dwarf! Yeah!
The dwarf blushes.
ELF: Listen… I have to tell you something… I… I love you.
DWARF: I… I love you two.
ELF: Listen, dwarfy… I have something to show you.
He whips out a diamond ring.
ELF: I stole it from one of those dead guys. Anyway… My love, will you marry me?
The dwarf starts crying.
ELF: Okay, if you don’t want to then…
DWARF: No, it’s not that. ELF, I want to.
ELF: Then-
DWARF: But I can’t. You see, when I was a child, I swallowed a large stick of dynamite. It is going to explode in ten minutes.
She kisses ELF on the lips, tenderly. Then, sobbing helplessly, the dwarf walks away into the sunset. ELF sighs, then turns to see the PEASANT.
PEASANT: OHMANTHISISDEPRESSING
ELF: It sure is, Simon. It sure is.
PEASANT: HEYWANNACOMEWITHMETOPLAYMYCOOLVIDEOGAME?! YOUCANSHOOTKIDSANDFRAMEITONBLACKPEOPLE!!
ELF: All right.
As they walk away to play PEASANT’S awesome video game, a single tear rolls down ELF’s cheek. He clenches his fist.
